MONDAYS ARE NO LONGER MUNDANE
Help! The Season's Upon Us!!
Well, it’s that time of the year again! When everyone is full of joy, cheer and going-back-to-IIM blues. You knew this day was coming and have been preparing for it all year. Yes, we’re talking about the start of Slot 5 – the one that’s reminiscent of Dante’s Seventh Circle (blood, fire and assignments), for the Facchas and Lats for the Tucchas (PlaceComm says, “Welcome back, fellas! Mwahahaha!!)
Well, there is a calm before the storm, and it’s called Chaos! Lots of fun to be had and prizes to be won! So, there is something to look forward to. Now that we’ve succeeded in getting you all eager and ready for what’s coming, Eloquence would like to wish everyone a “Merry Christmas!”
What’s Christmas without… Ebenezer Scrooge! Pardon us, Messrs. Archies and Hallmark, but cards and gifts are so overrated! We’re sure you all agree. So, here are the top three “Stingy All the Way” tips gathered from that great Halloween decoration, The Web-
Idea No. 3 - Certificate suitable for framing
The “suitable for framing” part is important, because it puts the onus on the recipient to buy his or her own frame.
I. Type up anything complimentary about a person: “This certificate decrees that so-and-so is the smartest person in the entire world.”
II. Add a fake governing body: “Decreed by the International Committee Overseeing Intelligence.”
III. To make sure it looks like an important document, use acronyms, an indecipherable signature, several “herebys” and lots of different fonts.
Idea No. 2 - Lottery ticket
Who doesn’t love several hundred million dollars? Give the gift of a lottery ticket this Christmas. If recipients win (slim chance), you’re the most generous person on the planet. If they lose, it’s their fault.
I. Buy lottery ticket
II. Make sure numbers won’t be picked the night you’re at the recipients’ home. If they lose, you don’t want to be reminded that your gift was, in the end, worthless
III. Accompany ticket with a note that says, “You’re one in a million.” This is an important step. When giving a cheap gift, it must be accompanied by sentimentality. Because, if the recipients question the gift, they must also question the sentiment. (And most people just don’t want to deal with that.)
Alert: Be prepared to hate beneficiaries if they win.
Idea No. 1 - Heirloom
Everyone loves an heirloom. And most recipients won’t ask you to prove an object’s provenance, so anything can be an heirloom. After all, heirlooms are usually cheap items with a lot of historical baggage attached. In summary: Cheap object + legacy = priceless gift.
I. Pick something you don’t like off a shelf.
II. Tell them, my great, great, great, great- (depending on age of object) grandfather owned this, and I’d really like you to have it.
Note: This also works with real heirlooms.
All this good advice makes us want to sing… But the Economy is terrible and the usual carols of hope and cheer seem just so out of place! Luckily, we found this-